DEAR DEIDRE: I AM thinking of sleeping with someone else to get revenge on my cheating husband.
Part of me wants to hurt him the way he hurt me, but I also don’t want to stoop to his level.
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He’s 42, I’m 39 and we’ve been together for four years.
I never thought infidelity would be a problem in our relationship — my first husband slept his way around Surrey and so my partner knew how much pain an affair would cause me.
But three months ago, I found a restaurant receipt for two after he said he was working away. There was champagne, expensive wine and dessert — hardly a working lunch.
After a snoop on his phone, I found texts between him and his colleague.
They had been flirting and clearly sleeping together for some time. One particularly hurtful message compared her body to mine.
They had even made plans to go on holiday together. When I told my husband what I knew, he begged for a second chance.
I know it might seem stupid to trust him, but I couldn’t walk away — not again.
I had imagined spending the rest of my life with him.
Since then we haven’t touched each other. Any time he tries to kiss or cuddle me, I shove him away.
I want to move on, but feel stuck until he properly recognises how hard this is for me. So I’ve been talking to men on Tinder.
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I’ve had plenty of offers — some from very nice men looking for a second shot at love.
The problem is, I’m not sure I can meet any of them.
I hate hurting people — and as angry as I am with my husband, I’m not sure
I want him to feel as awful as I do. And what if the guilt is worse than the hurt I feel?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You do have serious misgivings, otherwise you would not have written.
Ask yourself what purpose revenge will serve? You don’t sound like you would get any satisfaction from giving your husband a dose of his own medicine.
Better to work out if you can forgive him and strengthen your relationship, or whether you are better off without him.
Of course, there is no quick fix and you would both need to be honest about any changes you want to make within your relationship.
But it is entirely possible to repair your marriage after such a betrayal. I’m sending you my support pack Cheating: Can You Get Over It?
It would also help you both to talk to a relationship counsellor.
Try Tavistock Relationships at tavistockrelationships.org.